Thursday, September 17, 2009

Place your bets for ROY '09

Vegas and Atlantic City have finished their review of the Rookie class of 2009, and quite frankly, it is the strongest looking class as any can remember. Prior to looking at this year’s class, it might be best to highlight some of the previous year’s rookie maneuvers that put their predecessors at the forefront of our entertainment, and at the forefront of taking home the coveted Green Hat.

Sleeping on the Hill of shame, spending the night in the police station and being bailed out by your future father-in-law, or taking a 6 hour shower and then shaving your head all gave some of our rookies honorable mention. Stepping up their game in the quest for the Hat were those that partied into the wee hours of the morning, collected all the fire extinguishers from the Hotel Maria to dispense in Vonderach’s room, and rounded out the evening by launching a maas from the third floor of the Hotel squarely hitting the windshield of the car across the street….all accomplished within the first 12 house of being in Munich. Not to be out done, there was the Dance. The Dance single handedly propelled this rookie of the year to international fame and stardom, and I am told that “Dancing with starts” contacted this ROY to see if he would participate, but he declined because there was no drinking allowed. There were rookies that puked, rookies that pissed themselves, rookies that tried to eat the dreaded fish sandwich, rookies that shit themselves and then the entire hotel, rookies that kissed other rookies, rookies that slept naked in the wrong bed…in the wrong room….in the wrong hotel, rookies that overdosed on the peppermint snuff, rookies that overdosed on the women, rookies that danced with the band, rookies that danced with the police, rookies that were carried out by the band, and rookies that were carried out by the police. One thing is clear, All rookies have no idea what they are getting themselves into, and One of you will rise above all the rest, and cement your place in the ROY Hall of fame. All will be called rookies but only one will be called Rookie of the Year. May the best rookie win. With that said, here are the final odds.


50-1 Vedo. His dad is sponsoring him this year, and even though his dad thinks he knows his son well, there are those deep, dark secrets that we all try to keep from our parents. Fearing to unleash the party monster he is, Mikey will struggle with his inner self , and his urge to streak through the tent, as to not diminish the already suspect attitude that his father has for him….Thanks for coming.

45-1 Goose and Jester. Really…..Goose and Jester! That was 19fricken 80. Your odds should be 100-1 if not for the fact that more than half of the German population is still living in the 1980’s and those nicknames may just carry enough weight for some free beer, a fish sandwich, and the invitation to the Gay beer tent…..make sure your bring tight bathing suits and sunglasses so that you can play volleyball in front of the tents. I guess that makes McKibbin Maverick or Iceman or Slider……..

40-1 Roscoe. One of the two Heller sponsored rookies in the class of 09. His odds have significantly been affected by the amount of advertising that will take place on his shirts and lederhosen…Barron’s jewelers……buy one get 5 Free. Half off of Half off. Roscoe has no idea what is going to happen to him when he enters the men’s bathroom with diamonds and gold hanging all over him. It could be the first missing persons case in our 15 plus years of O’fest when the ugly crowd of men pissing decide to relieve him of all the adornment that Heller made him wear.

39 -1 Mikey D. There is a Mikey D every year. Here is how it goes. “Um…Mikey…you need to have a nickname for the back of your shirt for the tents. What would you like to put on it?” I will go with Mikey D. “Um….Mikey, your last name is Donofrio…so that is really just your first name with your last initial?” Yea, isn’t it really cool…kinda of reaches out and grabs ya doesn’t it. (Odds makers have just moved him to 50-1 with Vedo….no nickname, no chance.

39-1 Mark Kerns. ½ step better than Mikey D. Mark, as of the printing of the shirts still could not decide on a nickname. Don’t look for Mark at the Pizza Joint, breakfast, or any other spur of the moment outing…as important decisions take him slightly longer to process. Although he did have 6 months to decide on a nickname.

20-1 The Don and Fresh. Part of the strong McKibbin recruiting class, The Don and Fresh are looking to take their own style to Germany and see how it plays. Polyester lederhosen, black eye make up and black nail polish are just the intro for these new wave Euro trotters. Spiked hair, tight jeans, and lipstick with have these guys fitting in with the after hours crowd better that if they were from Düsseldorf themselves. The word on the street is that Fresh and Don are inseparable, and are coveting the first co-ROY award. Good luck boys and remember…”Stay thirsty my friends”.


10-1 Jake and Elwood. Bloom is reaching deep on this to pull out all the stops. Born and Bred Maxim Blue, These boys will be looking to get the band back together. Only this time, it will be in Munich. If after the weekend ends, neither Jake or Elwood was on stage with the band…they will be exposed for the imposters that they really are. (Hint: make sure you have plenty of beads and a bottle of something to share with the band during their breaks. You will warm their hearts and souls, and it will put you into position to do backward handsprings down the aisles of hacker!)

8-1 Rip and Stam-Iam. These guys would definitely fall into the same odds range as Mikey D and Mark Kerns if not for the sponsorship of the original ROY. Struggling with the “nickname” concept will only be overlooked by the fact that you have to hang with Walt and gas problems the entire weekend. If you think his farts smell bad here in the states, what until you get a load of them after he has abused his body for 4 straight days, feeding in nothing but sausage, beer, and the occasional pretzel. Good luck, and do not get in a cab or elevator with him or you will regret it.

5-1 Scoop and Doid. The question here is that do either of these guys put away beer like they put away wine. Coming from the Callahan wing of the group, both will have to show that they can “swing from both sides of the plate” and put down their wine glasses, and man up with the Maas. Wine drinkers have come before and unfortunately not done so well, but the word on the street is that these guys are players. The question is can they drink a maas as fast as the guy at the auction. We will soon find out.

The Favorite

2-1 Blah. Blah has it all. Money, Balls as big as church bells, and an unbridled spirit that embraces opportunity, bends it over, and drives it home. Going solo, purchasing the trip at the PAR auction for kids, and telling everyone that he saw the golden ring and grabbed it, Blah will not disappoint. He has heard the stories, he saw the drunken debauchery, he drank the maas, and in the end, after he saw the young girls in their dirndls, said, Why the F$*# not. When asked why he felt compelled to go to this annual pilgrimage, he merely responded, “Because I can”. Blah is the leader in the clubhouse, and it will take a herculean effort to unseat him for the assured bestowage of the green Hat. Does anyone have what it takes?

Good luck to all the rookies and their sponsors this year. The field is stacked, and the odds will start to change as soon as we all depart for the airport. Rise above, reach down deep inside, and remember, that if you are lucky enough to earn the Green Hat, it is your god given duty to return next year to the fatherland and present the next years recipient. Nothing is out of line, out of bounds, and the voting committee is always watching. Don’t let your guard down for a moment, because we will be watching…..


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