Thursday, September 20, 2007

Morning Line is out for ROY '07

Believe it or not, we are now within the one week countdown for Ofest ’07 to begin. Some are already traveling over to Europe to take in some additional sights and sounds. At 65, this is our largest group assembled for the annual pilgrimage. You should all feel proud and privileged that those who extended the invitation believe that you are as big a degenerate as they are and that you will not only fit in with the rest of us, but will add value. We also have the largest Rookie class ever, so the coveted “Green Hat” will truly need to be earned this year with an outstanding performance. Many have asked what it takes to win the ROY ’07 award, but it is not that easy to describe. There is no set amount of beer to be drank, no set amount of Hendel to be consumed, but rather the person that best personifies the spirit of O’fest will clearly set themselves apart. Members of the voting committee and past ROY’s will vote on this years recipient, and any form of bribery, solicitation, and general ass kissing are all welcomed and expected. Here are the early odds on favorites for ROY ‘07

2 to1 John M. - John jumped to the early lead when he showed up for the bag stuffing event at my house. John showed his team attitude by jumping right in and handling the CD’s and Translation Cards. Not only does John have a German sounding last name, but John’s teamwork, spirit, and willingness to give up his time at home with his wife and kids and come to my house and drink beers until all hours of the morning show that he has what it takes to wear the Green Cap.

3 to 1 Chris P. A.K.A “Jasper” Not only is Chris a rookie for Ofest in ’07, but this will be Chris’s first time across the pond….ever! What better way to experience Europe than loaded and flat on your back. Chris’s tenacity in the drinking department is only surpassed by his seemingly endless ability to communicate effectively while completely obliterated. Chris patented “book your taxi before you go out so you don’t drive home drunk” move is one that we all are in envy of. Chris’s expectations for the trip…”Have a killer time and don’t land in Jail” In addition to staying out of the German poky, Chris also roped in Mr. Irrelevant (See 15 to 1 odds) for the trip.

5 to 1 Glenn E. Glenn was originally part of the “Tango and Cash” team, but just like Lavern and Shirley, Joni and Chachi, and Sonny and Cher , all good tandems must eventually split up. Cash, suffering from a sever case of “my wife has my balls clinched tightly in my hands” was forced to be a late scratch, leaving Tango to “tango” on his own. Based on his inability to beer bong on the summer houseboat, Glenn has his work cut out for him to keep up. He is equal to the task, and has been drinking ram’s urine for the last 2 weeks to prepare for the onslaught of beer heading his way…..

10 to 1 Darryl and his brother Darryl- slightly out of his element and without his computer, this techie faces the undaunting task of interfacing with the women and men of Octoberfest. The only problem is that sometimes it is hard to tell the German women and men apart. His knowledge of iPhoto, and his ability to convert JPEG files into PST files won’t fly on the floor of Hacker tent. Darryl will need to muster every ounce of courage he has in order to sing “Alice Alice , Who the Fuck is Alice ” at the top of his lungs with 9000 other drunk ofest goers…..

15 to 1 Tony N. Tony officially hold the “Mr. irrelevant” title for ofest ’07. Like the last man drafted in the NFL draft, Tony is the last man to commit to the pilgrimage just 1 week prior. In addition to obtaining a passport in under 5 days at the cost of $400, Tony has also taken up German by ordering the Rosetta stone language program, is on a steady diet of Pretzels and sour krout, and answers only with “Ya” and “Nine” when spoken too….

50 to 1 Any of the Cypress Semiconductor Sales guys- Failing to understand that this is a marathon and not a sprint, they all believe that the couple of days of prep work on their boondoggle, uh, I mean sales conference…will adequately prepare them for the Olympics of Beer Drinking. They all come out hard on day 1 with a 50% attrition rate for day 2 and 3. If they want to make the mark, they will need to answer the bell and be first in the tents on Friday and Saturday, not just Thursday.

100 to 1 Any of Hahn’s recruits- Following in the footsteps of Hahn is almost an insurmountable task. Who can forget the first time you where in the tent and fell off the table, AND DID NOT SPILL ANY BEER. Or the time you crawled into bed with me naked, AND OUR ROOM HAD 2 BEDS. Then there was the time we you were last in the room at night and when we awoke in the morning , the TV had soft porn on, The faucet was running, and our door was wide open…and you asked “What the hell happened last night?” Or the time you smuggled illegal ham through customs and gave it to your 10 year old and proudly told him “Here michael, I got you a ham from Germany ”. How could any of your rookies be equal to the Task I ask you. (Note: I specifically left out the story of you peeing the bed to save you from any additional shame because that is the kind of friend I am).

Who will it be. Good luck to all, and remember that who ever wins the ROY ’07 award needs to return next year to present to ROY ’08.



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